When Things Won't Change

by Mark S. Fulton

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”
— The Serenity Prayer

You’ve no doubt seen this saying on a card, poster or knickknack in the gift shop. It neatly sums up the struggle we face with life’s greatest challenge—change. In twenty-seven words, this profound little precept identifies three types of change:

• the change we should impose on our attitude toward things that cannot be altered.

• the change we can effect on things that may be modified.

• the change we attempt to cultivate in our understanding of how the world works.

This column examines the first type of change and explores how to make it work for you. Future columns will address the other two types of change.

Accepting things you cannot change seems sensible, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easy to do. In fact, it can be downright difficult. You might have to put your brilliant plan for restructuring your department on hold. Or grin and bear it when the junior executive you trained gets the juicy job assignment you wanted. Or buy yourself and your employees earplugs when the city starts demolishing the building next door to your business. The real challenge, however, is not in merely coping with unchangeable realities, it’s turning those lemons into lemonade.

True acceptance—as opposed to mere surrender— is an act of mental transformation that produces a change in your attitude. When circumstances and people won’t change, you have a choice between beating your head against the wall or hanging pictures on it. By changing your perspective, internal dialogue and outward behavior, you can turn an immovable obstacle into a stepping stone.

How you view a irritating and immutable situation or individual is up to you. Looking for the bright side of a dilemma can stimulate creative thinking that might produce an alternative that no one thought of. Searching for the best qualities in a disagreeable or overbearing colleague can change your outlook on his role in your company. Recognizing the value of a hard-to-please client can lead your business to new levels of customer service. I’m not advocating putting on rose colored glasses; I’m suggesting removing self-imposed blinders and changing your limited perceptions.

You talk to yourself (presumably not out loud) all day long. So why not take charge of your inner dialogue and point it in a positive direction when you run into that brick wall? Accepting something you can’t change is easier if you’re not constantly telling yourself how miserable your lot in life is. Eject the “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” tape and replace it with “Climb Every Mountain.” You’ll be surprised at how quickly your attitude can change when you start purposefully programming yourself to think of yourself as a victor rather than a victim.

The outward evidence of acceptance is a change in your behavior toward the situation or person that cannot be changed. Accepting the unchangeable may involve: assuming a responsibility you’d rather avoid; acknowledging an unpleasant fact; persevering through a difficult situation; embracing a distressing relationship. Actions do indeed speak louder than words, so you’ve got to do more than just say you will adapt—you must show it.

I didn’t say this would be easy. Facing up to undeniable certainties is a lifelong challenge. In addition to death and taxes, another sure thing is that things are sure to change—and not always in a way you will like. Refusing to accept the inevitable is a sure-fire prescription for stress, which typically results in anger, bitterness, withdrawal, depression and a host of other nasty conditions. Rather than turn yourself into a candidate for “Who Wants to Be a Basket Case,” remember these three steps toward acceptance when you’re faced with the unchangeable:

1. Denial - When you encounter a roadblock, your first instinct (if you’re like most people) is disbelief. How could anyone think this is how things ought to be? They will certainly see the light and change course, once I’ve pointed out the folly of this policy. Then the unthinkable happens—nothing.

2. Resistance - At some point you realize that change is not going to happen. But you’re not giving up without a fight! If I just drag my feet instead of going along, maybe they’ll see the error of their ways. Then you get a terse memo or a stern phone call advising you either to get with the program or get lost.

3. Exploration - Here’s where you start to think about how to deal with the obstacle. Perhaps I can work with this situation and make it work in my favor. Maybe I’ve failed to appreciate my esteemed colleague’s directness and misinterpreted it as rudeness. Then you begin to see opportunity in the obstacle.

Accepting the things you cannot change can be an invigorating, enlightening and liberating experience. The next time you encounter one and think that you haven’t got a prayer, think again.

Copyright 2000 © Mark S. Fulton