Making Conflict Constructive

by Mark S. Fulton

One of my favorite college courses dealt with the art of novel writing. The preeminent point I took away from that course was my professor’s favorite maxim: no conflict, no story.

Without antagonism, strife, turmoil or some other form of opposition there is nothing in a novel to hold a reader’s interest. The enjoyment that comes from reading Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men is derived from seeing whether George and Lennie will overcome the obstacles that stand between them and their dream of owning a little farm of their own.

It seems that we humans are wired to be attracted to and entertained by conflict. From William Shakespeare’s plays to Jerry Springer’s freak show, conflict is the driving force behind much of our culture. Unfortunately, modern culture is a poor teacher of conflict resolution techniques that are appropriate for the everyday work world.

If you are troubled by a misunderstanding with your boss, a dispute with a co-worker or a provocation from a subordinate, you won’t learn behavior worth emulating from Tony Soprano and his friends in the entertainment world. Relying on defiance, sarcasm, coercion and sabotage to get your way may pay off initially, but it will cost you dearly in lowered esteem, resentment and animosity among your colleagues and employees.

Instead, successful conflict resolution should produce what Stephen Covey calls a “win-win” solution—in which both parties come away from a dispute with a positive, constructive and agreeable fulfillment of their needs.

The first step toward a new perspective on conflict is recognizing that conflict is both inevitable and productive. Human nature guarantees that you will find yourself in opposition to someone at some point. Count on it. No two people agree on everything all of the time.

However, what happens to your perception of conflict if you think of it as an expression of diversity? Imagine that you are playing a piano and your antagonist is playing guitar—both of which are stringed instruments capable of producing splendid sounds. Played simultaneously and independently, these two instruments can produce a real cacophony. But the disharmony can be transformed into beautiful music if you and the other person agree to play notes that complement each other.

A conflict can produce constructive outcomes if both parties are willing to search for the harmony that will allow their different viewpoints to work together. Covey calls this process reaching a consensus (as opposed to reaching a compromise). A consensus is a position of general agreement where the solution is a blend of alternatives that satisfies everyone. A compromise is the result of making concessions until disagreement is overcome. Covey argues that consensus is the true goal of a win-win solution.

Try these steps for reaping the benefits conflict:

1. Think of the other person not as the enemy, but rather as your “conflict partner.” You’ll be surprised at what a simple shift in semantics can do to reorient your attitude toward that person. The word “partner” suggests that a mutual goal and a cooperative effort will form the basis of your relationship.

2. Establish a congenial environment. Clearly state up front that the objective for resolving the conflict is to find a win-win solution. Choose a mutually comfortable setting and convenient time for a meeting.

3. Clarify perceptions. Make a purposeful effort to understand your needs and the needs of your conflict partner. That doesn’t mean you both have to see the problem the same way. But you do need to have a clear understanding of what the conflict is about. Remember, a problem well stated is a problem half solved.

4. Identify shared and individual needs. Once perceptions are clear and distinct differences of opinion have been established, try to identify common ground. Create a foundation for cooperation by laying down the building blocks of joint objectives. Once that’s done, begin exploring contradictory areas. Remember, needs are not desires. Focus on meeting needs first.

5. Cultivate reasonable options. Out of the fertile ground of mutual respect and commitment to consensus will grow options. The best options satisfy one or more shared needs, improve the future of the relationship and prove acceptable to both parties.

6. Develop feasible first steps. Now that you and your conflict partner have built a base of trust and cooperation, reaching consensus on the truly thorny aspects of a conflict is much more likely. Devise practical first steps that meet common needs and serve as stepping stones for reaching consensus. Concentrate on negotiating without rancor or rigidity as you set out an agreeable plan of action.

French philosopher Blaise Pascal once said, “People are generally better persuaded by the reason which they have themselves discovered than by those which have come to the minds of others.” The secret for turning obstacles into opportunities is to solve conflict by engaging the brain power of all concerned to reach consensus.

In fact, I’d take a conflict a step further. Look for ways to build a new relationship with the person with whom you are in conflict. I truly believe that conflict with others can be a crucible for dissolving differences and forging friendships.

Copyright 2001 © Mark S. Fulton