Develop Your Relational Intelligence

by Mark S. Fulton

Marriott Corporation chairman J.W. Marriott, Jr. once said, “Motivate them, train them, care about them and make winners out of them. If we treat our employees correctly, they’ll treat the customers right. And if customers are treated right, they’ll come back.”

That’s all well and good, but there’s more to the employer/employee equation than that. In today’s business environment of downsizing, mergers and bankruptcy, the traditional bond of trust and loyalty between employees and their employer has been broken. Gone is the promise that companies used to give their people: If you work hard and take care of the company, the company will take care of you. As a result, instead of longevity and security, employee expectations toward their employer have a new focus.

Beyond motivation, training and corporate “caring,” employees are looking for equity, according to Richard Huseman, author of Give to Get Leadership: The Secret of the Hidden Paycheck. Now more than ever, Huseman writes, employees are comparing what they get out of a job with what they put into it and deciding whether its an equitable exchange.

In return for hard work and loyalty, employees expect a decent paycheck, reasonable benefits and a host of intangible “currencies,” says Huseman. These currencies include: a sense of accomplishment; a feeling of importance to the organization; recognition for effort and dedication—among many others. Huseman contends that these psychological currencies make up the hidden paycheck and are just as important to employees as the money and benefits they receive.

Furthermore, the hidden paycheck has to be paid by a particular person—the employee’s immediate supervisor. “Research has proven that the number one reason people say they quit their jobs is their immediate manager,” writes Huseman. “Likewise, the number one reason people say they stay and like their jobs is their immediate manager. A worker’s regard for his or her immediate supervisor is the single most important factor in determining whether that employee is satisfied on the job.”

According to Huseman, managers at every level in an organization have a responsibility to develop their relational intelligence, a term he coined to describe a leader’s ability to accurately perceive and utilize the dynamics of day-to-day interpersonal interactions and understand how those interactions affect relationships over time.

Much has been written in recent years by Daniel Goleman and others about emotional intelligence (which he calls EQ), a combination of traits that includes self-awareness, self-confidence and self-control. Goleman asserts that emotional intelligence matters more than intellectual aptitude (referred to as IQ) in determining your success as a leader.

Huseman argues that truly successful leadership requires using both the head (IQ) and the heart (EQ) to develop competence in your relationships (RQ) with those who work for you . Developing your relational intelligence will enable you to pay the hidden paycheck that the people who work for you—your direct reports—want and expect.

Here are three relational intelligence skills that will help you:

1. Be Aware of Stamp Collecting - Ever had someone react to a particular situation in a more volatile manner than the situation warranted? An interaction characterized by overreaction may be the result of stamp collecting, the practice of accumulating and internalizing past perceived slights or abuses.

Sometimes it’s impossible to know if a person is compiling a relational stamp book with a bunch of nasty impressions in it. Regrettably, your current concern with that person may be the final stamp that triggers a blowup. If you are conscious of that possibility and you have an inkling of what lies hidden in the other person’s stamp collection, you can better manage the current interaction and the future relationship more effectively.

2. Use the Correct Psychological Currency - Huseman contends that we sometimes unwittingly contribute the wrong things to a relationship. For example, you might offer advice when the other person really wants acknowledgement.

Knowing what is really valued and desired in a relationship requires you to be a good listener. You must also realize that only seven percent of communication is language. The other 93 percent is non-verbal messages conveyed through voice intonation, facial expressions and body language. Think carefully about what the other person truly needs from you during your interaction.

3. Elevate Interactions to the Level of Agreement - When a disagreement arises, our natural inclination is to dig in our heels and defend our position with details. Most arguments gravitate toward opposite poles as the points of contention pile up.

Huseman suggests arriving at a win/win solution to a disagreement by taking the discussion back to a point where both parties are in agreement and focusing on the mutually beneficial aspects of the issue at hand. Then work forward by addressing specific points of contention one at a time until each is resolved to both individuals’ satisfaction.

Master the art of relational intelligence and you can teach J.W. Marriott, Jr. a thing or two about leadership.

Copyright 2002 © Mark S. Fulton